I wished you all a happy celebration, laden with piety. Not long ago I shared with you how I am turning out to be an agnostic. Paradox? Why did I acknowledge the day then? Is the transformation yet not complete, and I am still oscillating between faith and doubt? Or is it the natural reflex of habit without any sincerity? Or is it fear? Believe me, the answer eludes the deepest contemplation I am capable of. But yes, I can conclusively say that fear long ceased being a factor in my faith.
My agnosticism is certainly inspired by Absurdism of Albert Camus- man will keep seeking the meaning of life and the answer to the question who created the Universe and why, even though he will never get it.

But here, I want to reveal why I chose only the day of Mahashivaratri to bring out this paradox? Could it have been some other day, say Mahajanmashtami? No. It’s because right, since I grew conscious of the matrix of the universe, creation, faith and religion, my conception of the supernatural has found manifestation in one and only one form, and it’s Shiva. At the zenith of my faith, I could palpably witness the realization of the philosophy of non-dualism- soul and super soul being one and the same, man being an element of God, mortal though. Shiva had been the integral part of my existence, witness to my grief and happiness, tenacity and vulnerability, right and wrong- kind of an all in one father, mother, friend, philosopher and guide. To Him, I cried in grief. With Him, I smiled in happiness. I even accused Him of my failures. But yes, I thanked Him for my success as well.

On this day, the pain of severance from Shiva outweighs the peace from my even equation with agnosticism, peace though is flat, devoid of the exciting waves of hope, for I have always treated hope to be the ultimate function of faith.
So, this night while Shiva is tossed into the ecstasy out of His union with Pravati, I am plunged into the throes of pain out of my separation from Shiva. But the irony is that on this day, His day, I too have ended remembering Him…….when speech betrays, it’s silence which comes to the rescue.

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